Rural's (REALLY Lazy) American Idol Snark-cap

Top 5 Perform 

Ok, so . . . This is gonna be pretty short tonight. I'm exhausted, and tonight's show didn't exactly inject a lot of inspiration.

Music of the Rat Pack. Jamie Foxx. God, whatever.

Kris Allen: This was kind of aimless, but it still sounded pretty good. Who are we kidding, though: he was wearing a tie, and he still hasn't shaved. Yes, please. 

Allison Iraheta: She looked GORGEOUS. I loved that this was different from her usual performance but still managed to fit her style. Go Allison!

Matt Giraud: What a mess. Stop dicking around with your voice and just sing. Also, please continue to wear tight pants. XOXO

Danny Gokey: Ok, ok. Not terrible. Maybe the best he's been. Still don't like him. No one is going to buy this album. It will be in the discount bin at Target faster than you can blink.

Adam Lambert: Let's just end it already and start running back-to-back episodes of that obnoxious show Fringe. Unless hell freezes over,  Adam is going to win. Based off of tonight, he deserves it. And I think Paula had an orgasm.

Judges' Notes

Simon: You're an idiot. You were wrong about everyone but Adam. Just go ahead and quit if you're so bored. And how exactly does a contestant answer, "do you think you can still win?"

Randy: (Pulls string) A Randy says, "Here's the thing, dawg."

Paula: Your dress was out of control. 

Completely Subjective Favorites Ranking

1. Adam
2. Allison
3. Kris
4. Danny
5. Matt