Cock Tease: The Movie (2009)

Hi. I'm Paul Walker's abs. You might remember me from a movie that delivered on its promises.

It's really very simple, makers of Fast and Furious.

You take Paul Walker, he of the piercing blue eyes and mouth watering body. You add Vin Diesel, he whose imposing largeness and gravely voice makes you want him to like you just so he won't kill you dead. You have fast cars that, ya know, go fast and run into things. I wouldn't have thought it was brain surgery BUT . . .

Here's a side-by-side comparison of what I want from a movie called Fast and Furious and what the makers of THIS movie think I want.

Me: Loud, stupid car chases down a strip of road in Korea-town or something, briefly punctuated by character moments that give all the crashing, speeding sexiness some kind of a point.
Them: Boring, stupid scenes full of characters talking about FBI protocol and being introspective, briefly punctuated by car chases in underground tunnels so that they can put cars on the poster.

Me: Paul Walker naked or half-naked. Frequently.
Them: Paul Walker in baggy T-shirts. Exclusively.

Me: Over-the-top camp. Winking at the audience because, yes, we know this is a movie about car chases and Paul Walker's ability to take his shirt off.
Them: Gooey earnestness. PLEASE TAKE US SERIOUSLY! THIS ISN'T JUST A MOVIE ABOUT THINGS THAT EXPLODE! WE HAVE SOOOO MUCH TO SAY ABOUT THESE CHARACTERS AND THEIR INNER TURMOIL! LET'S GO TALK ABOUT OURSELVES OVER COFFEE AT A FUCKING ROADSIDE DINER!

Me: Sex scenes. Gratuitous swearing. Tank tops, low rise jeans, and booty shorts. Various, R rated hijinks.
Them: Bland, Pg-13 rated cock teasing. No sex. Paul Walker feeling up Jordana Brewster while she's sitting on a kitchen counter in A FUCKING CARDIGAN!

Needless to say, I did not have nearly enough mind numbing fun in this movie, because this movie didn't want me too. This movie wanted me to feel for these characters and their emotions and their self-doubt. For every scene of Vin Diesel driving underneath a flaming oil tanker flipping in the air or blowing up his car with a cigarette lighter, there were endless scenes of Vin Diesel brooding and Paul Walker starring in a play school dress up episode of Law and Order.

Well, I've got news for you. The dialog in this script was written by a group of first year screenwriting students who haven't talked to a real human being in quite some time. I cannot emotionally connect to characters who barely manage to stutter words with two syllables.

I don't really have anything to say about the plot except to wonder when Vin Diesel's character began having psychic visions. Maybe I missed something, but he pegged the guy who he was looking to lay the smack down on because . . . he looked like the shadowy figure he envisioned at the scene of the crime?

I have exactly the same problem with this movie as I did with Quantum of Solace. This movie was too embarrassed to just be what it is: a big, dumb movie full of explosions. Just do that. It's what you're there to do.

So, makers of this movie, when you make a sequel (and they will, if the number of people who came to the showing I went to tonight are any indication) just have fun with it. You don't need to try to win people over. We're there because we know what we're getting. Your movie is called Fast and Furious. Just get Jordana Brewster and Paul Walker naked, put them in a car, and let them drive down a steep road at 120 miles per hour.