Rural's (Lazy) American Idol Snark-cap

Top 7 Perform

This isn't exactly the kind of episode that inspires a lot of interesting things to say, and this week is already exhausting me. Anyway . . .

Can I just say this? There have been A LOT of songs written for the movies. A LOT. Was this really the best they could come up with? Two gooey, cheddar cheese filled Bryan Adams ballads and Lionel Ritchie? Is this '80s night again?

Also, this new format of only letting two judges speak is fucking stupid . . . AND THEY STILL MANAGED TO GO OVER TIME? What is this? Maybe we should cut out the little chit chat with Ryan Seacrest and Danny Gokey about how cool it is to sing with a fucking harp. No? How about the 5 minutes we spent promoting Inglorious Basterds?

Allison Iraheta: No no no. Do not pick a song from a movie about a massive, worldwide catastrophe. The jokes become too obvious. I still love her voice, but I don't think that there's any way to make this song sound cool, unless I'm mistaken and it's still 1998. She gave it her best though, and I still say she's got stage presence oozing out of her fiery red mane. And, you know what, let's stop dissing her clothes. I know I was guilty of it too. You know who else dresses like a deranged freak? Katy Perry, Pink, Gwen Stefani, and Lady Gaga, to name a few (and that's just the girls).

Anoop Desai: I. Just. Rewatched. Last. Week's. Performance. YAAAAAWN. Boring boring boring. What was he trying to do, up his cool factor by singing a cheesetastic, ironically popular song from a 1980s Kevin Costner vehicle? Hope that goes well for you. He has a good voice, but I seriously just can't be bothered anymore.

Adam Lambert: The bitch is back, ladies and gentlemen (not that he ever left). No, he's been delivering pretty great performances since this season started, but tonight saw the return of Mr. Nail Polish and Eye Liner himself. He jumped all over the stage like a chimp on crack. He sang notes that most dogs probably can't even hear. This is what he does. You either like it or you don't. I am firmly in the 'like it' camp if only because, let's be honest, this show would be a lot less interesting without this lovable theater queen around. I still think he's the safest bet for the finale.

Matt Giraud: Here comes tonight's SECOND Bryan Adams ballad. Honestly, why would you sing this song? Again, this just oozes cheese. What sets him apart from Anoop is that he at least has an interesting voice that makes you pay attention, whether or not you dig his style. Speaking of style . . . those jeans fit that boy like a glove. OOOOF! Please stick around if only for some more ogling.

Danny Gokey: "And they whirled and they twirled and they tangoed/Singin' and jinglin' the jango/Floatin' like the heavens above/It looks like muskrat love" . . . 'Nuff said. Without his glasses, he even squints like a muskrat. What is this movie, anyway? A Brooke Shields vehicle? Time is not always kind, is it folks?

Kris Allen: I now present a dramatic reenactment of my friend and I's reaction the SECOND Kris started singing this song in the clip with Quentin Tarantino: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH! I saw Swell Season in concert a year ago, and "Falling Slowly" is just a beautiful song. I'm happy to say Kris did not disappoint. Thank god we got him out of that black hole of talent they call a small disk-sized performance space from last week. Stella's got her groove back, and it's just as sexy and soulful as ever.

Lil Rounds: What the hell was this? Seriously . . . Can anyone tell me? This girl cannot pick a song to save her life (or sing it ). If she was trying to distance herself from the drag queen image after last week's Tina Turner fiasco, I don't think Bette FUCKING Midler was the way to go. Stop wearing skin tight outfits.

Judges' Notes

Quentin Tarantino: You have the hair of a fucking SS Guard right now. Is this purely for publicity for the movie or what?

Randy: Fuck off. If Kris Allen was pitchy THE ENTIRE TIME, then I'd hate to hear what you think of Lil's pitch as it continually plummets of Mount Everest and hits a swamp full of malaria ridden mosquitoes.

Kara: I don't know if an Academy Award winning song can necessarily be called obscure but . . . the American public is often quite ridiculous, so I'll give you a pass on this one.

Paula: You're going to get a lot of shit for basically reading a fortune cookie instead of critiquing Lil, but, you know what, she obviously isn't going to listen anyway. Throw crayons at her next time and tell her the world is filling her life with rainbows for all I care.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY CAN WE GET A DIRECTOR ON THIS SHOW WHO KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING? I've got a great idea! Let's cut out judge critiques, leave in a bunch of filler, and still manage to rush through the last two singers and somehow go over an hour time limit.

Completely Subjective Favorites Ranking

1. Kris
2. Adam
3. Allison
4. Matt
5. Anoop
6. Danny
7. Lil

Anyone else looking forward to the judges and producers pretending that they still liked Jennifer Hudson when she was voted off when she comes back to perform on the results show as an Oscar and Grammy winner? I sure am.