07 April 2009

Rural's (Lazy) American Idol Snark-cap


Top 8 Perform

Hot damn! Welcome to the Thunder Dome, people. This competition just heated up . . .

Hahaha. I am, of course, only kidding. This week's episode was as boring as last week's was completely derailed. At least last week we had more than one performance to really be excited about. Seriously, though, I don't have a lot to say about tonight. I was not really feeling it. I think there's a reason that 90% of '80s music exists only to be lampooned by Vh1.

And . . . OH MY FUCKING GAWD? WHO THE FUCK IS THAT BALD GUY? Is that the gypsy Gokey promised his soul in exchange for an unfathomably long run on this show?

Danny Gokey: Why am I trapped on this elevator, and why is it ALWAYS playing 'Muskrat Love?' Seriously, this shit isn't even good cheese. It comes in a resealable bag, and they sell it in bulk at the Thrift-O-Mart.

Kris Allen: Well, fuck. I don't . . . I don't really know . . . It was . . . Actually, I kind of liked it, but I think that has more to do with the fact that I really just like the sound of his voice. That song was just, sigh . . . I would not have sung that, let's just say. That's a Gokey song if I've ever heard one. This was just forgettable, honestly. I think those heinous hipster girls in that mosh pit suck the mojo out of these singers. First Matt, now Kris. I am TERRIFIED that he is going home . . . before Danny, Lil, Anoop, and Scott. That is awful. I blame that bald gypsy. Damn you, Gokey!

Lil Rounds: Welcome to the Hilton Ballroom, ladies and gentlemen. Performing tonight is the fourth best Tina Turner impersonator in the Midwestern United States. Enjoy your shrimp cocktails and don't forget to tip your cocktail waitresses. She'll do something different next week? My ass, she will. She cried. She's safe. Whatever. At least her FUCKING KIDS weren't there again. Oh . . . and I don't think I need to make any terribly un-PC comments about the fact that her mother named her 'Lil,' do I?

Anoop Desai: Well, well, well. SOMEBODY understands the concept of Internet backlash, I see. Guess you decided it might be time to not come off like a complete dick, huh? Mission accomplished, I suppose. Pretty good vocals this week, actually. That sweater was louder than Lil Rounds, but he actually managed to pull together a solid night. Nice to see you stopped trying to be an R & B sex god, nerd.

Scott MacIntyre: "Let's take a glimpse into Scott's childhood." -Ryan Seacrest. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I'm sorry. I know I'm going to hell. You guys, this was just heinous. It's like I said, his songs get better the worse his hair gets. Unfortunately for him, his hair was kind of under control this week, and this was possibly his most ludicrous yet. His eye makeup was clumping, for goddsake! What was he playing, like, 2 chords on that electric guitar? There was absolutely no way he wasn't going to be the new VTFW pick.

Allison Iraheta: I have absolutely no idea what this song was. I know . . . I'm a child. Whatever. Never heard it in my life. But I liked Allison's take on it. I kind of wish she'd go back to up tempo Allison sometime in the near future, but I'm still kind of digging this low key style, too. Girl has stage presence for DAYS! Go Allison!

Matt Giraud:
Take off that hat, please. Eaaaaasily one of the best . . . Not that that's saying a whole lot considering tonight's frost-bitten harvest of beige. I still find him kind of uninteresting, but his clip package was amusing, I suppose. Good to see the vocals are back now that he's out of that pit of voice sucking fanwhores in that black hole of talent they call a mosh pit.

Adam Lambert: Let's just stop bull shitting, you guys. Adam Lambert is going to win this season. Like, it's really not up for debate. As far as I can tell, he has never NOT been one of the last people to perform in a given night, and this was his second time in the pimp slot. Like, it's pretty clear they want him to win, which I am FINE with if it means we can stop hearing about Danny Gokey. Plus, you can't say he didn't have a great night. Yes, that was Tears for Fears by way of Gary Jules, but it's certainly not his furthest departure from a song this season. It would have been fantastic if he didn't insist on screaming that one note in the middle, but, sigh . . . Whatever. He's going to do that every week, regardless. Pretty excellent performance, though, I've got to say.

Judges' Notes

Randy: You were totally late for Adam, weren't you? Or did you just feel like running head first into Ryan for shits and giggles.

All Four of You
: I know this isn't completely your fault, but JESUS H. CHRIST! Why can we not get the timing on this show down? Did you really just give Adam Lambert a 3 second critique?

Completely Subjective Favorites Ranking

1. Adam
And, ummm . . .
2.
Allison
3.
Matt
4. Kris (Sigh . . . What can I do?)
5. Anoop
Sure. Why the hell not?
6. Danny
7. Lil
8. Scott


Save the Kris. Save the world!

9 comments:

Vance said...

O. M. G. how much older AM I to you? You've never heard Bonnie Raitt's song? Gawd I feel old now.

RJ said...

To be fair, I am musically illiterate.

Dame James Henry said...

This week's episode was indeed boring as fuck. The song choices were completely uninspired and not even Kris could save the day. It wasn't exactly his best performance, but the judges ripped into it way too hard. And America honestly can't be stupid enough to get rid of Kris when, at the very least, Scott and Lil are still on this show.

Right? ....

Anyways, I totally see what you're saying about Adam Lambert winning this season although I will never admit that to myself. Anyone else out there holding out for a horrific scandal that completely ruins his chances?

RJ said...

I'm OK with Adam winning, honestly, because (when I look at all of the nights) I think he has the more interesting collection of songs. Not a BIG fan of some of his earlier ones, but I'm kind of fond of Ring of Fire and this week. Plus, Tracks of My Tears was quite good and he managed to make Funky Music White Boy actually not too cheesy.

I would prefer Kris or Allison, but Adam over Gokey any day.

Vance said...

I too think Adam will win but I think (or hope) Kris will give him a nice running mate and take over Danny's supposed 2nd place slot.

I don't however see Adam lasting in the long run. He'll do well in sales at first but then drop off but I think Kris will be a surprise and last in the long run. (Or that's how I'm planning it in my head at least)

RJ said...

If Kris makes it past this week . . . (gulp)

Vance said...

We need to BELIEVE!!! GO KRIS!!!

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Cinemaniac said...

Kris made me so fucking nervous this night. But it wasn't THAT BAD honestly. It was enjoyable. But Adam doing Donnie Darko--something else I foreshadowed--just too awesome to ignore. Matt was realllllllly close though. Incredible tonight.

01) Adam
02) Matt
03) Anoop
04) Allison
05) Kris
06) Danny
07) Lil
08) Scott

LOL, SCOTT. He's so funny. But that has to be one of the Top 5 trainwrecks of the season <3.