Rural's (Lazy) American Idol Snark-cap

Top 7 Perform (Again)

Before I say anything, I should just say that the Idolatry interviews always make me feel guilty for all the nasty things I say on here. Scott MacIntyre won me over in 10 minutes during his chat with Michael Slezak on EW.com. Maybe I should just throw in the towel.

Nah.

Wow. Disco night wasn't actually a huge train wreck. Who would've thunk it, eh? I certainly thought I was in for an hour of soul crushing horror. It's always nice to be surprised.

So, can I start off by asking if anyone else couldn't stop looking at that blond girl behind Simon that the camera showed every time he started talking? Girl was having a great old time, and you could tell that she KNEW she was on camera. She was milking that 30 seconds of screen time every time it came around. She kept laughing and trying to talk to the person next to her . . . even though I'm not entirely sure the person next to her had any idea who she was. Pretty sure she was just pretending to be there with someone. Making an ex-boyfriend jealous, maybe? Give this girl an iPod or something.

Also, I'm pretty sure Kristin Bell was there. She did some sort of sexy eyebrow thing into the camera when Ryan walked by. She was sitting next to that puffy, old rocker (?) whose name I still can't remember and his . . . female companion (?).

Lil Rounds: Hmmmm. Well, I mean . . . I dunno. Actually, you know what, this wasn't thoroughly unenjoyable. She still can't hit most of those notes to save her life, but at least she looked like she was enjoying herself for the first time EVER. She was wearing a jumpsuit, though, so I have to deduct a couple of points automatically. Not bad. Still not close to great.

Kris Allen: Loved it. Great vocals and arrangement. Kris Allen is a sex/music god. Kris Allen's arm muscles are the 8th Wonder of the World. Vote Kris Allen in 2012. All I want for Christmas is a naked Kris Allen under the Christmas tree, tied up nice and tight in red ribbon with a bow on top. Et cetera. God bless you, Paula Abdul. I'd go underwear shopping with Kris anytime. Maybe tomorrow he can show us his underwear and prove that he doesn't actually shop at Victoria's Secret. Fan me! Kris Allen for President.

Danny Gokey: GO AWAY! Just do it! Maybe then you can shave. Just a bit of advice to any and all men: stubble doesn't look good on everyone. Some people look like they just woke up from a three month long drug bender, especially when they kind of amble around the stage, swinging their arms randomly, like a confused Alzheimer's patient. The first half of that song was talking to a backing track. Boring vocals. Even more boring stage presence. Why. does. he. keep. getting. praised?

Allison Iraheta: First of all, loved the entrance. That was pimp staging on the part of the producers if I've ever seen it, and I am buying what they're selling. The song? Hmmm . . . Girl can SING, no matter what, but this song is a little stupid. I mean, "HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT STUUUUFFFF?" A song like that isn't going to exactly set the world on fire these days, but she sang it pretty damn well. This girl is ridiculously talented and has the killer voice and stage presence of a veteran rocker. Go Allison!

Adam Lambert: Thanking the musician who helped you arrange the song. Once again, VERY SLY, Mr. Lambert. You're either a genuinely nice person or a very crafty individual. I prefer to say both. I'm just glad he hasn't started sitting on the stage and reading from the phonebook, since he would probably still win the whole thing. We all knew we were getting slow Adam since he was wearing a suit, albeit with a Bond villain-like snake ring on his pinky. I am completely fine with the fact that he is winning, even if I'm still on the Kris Allen train (it's a very sexy train, btw . . . lots of crushed velvet). He has a CRAZY GOOD voice. I think Paula thinks he was singing that straight to her. Paula is going to have sex with him whether he wants to or not. She will not be satisfied until he's backstage with a bag over his head, a sock in his mouth, and his pants around his ankles, with the sounds of frantic clapping and Vicodin-induced babbling the only things clueing him into her identity.

Matt Giraud: Let's play a little game. I say 'disco,' and what is this FIRST thing you think of? 'Staying Alive,' I presume? Much, much too obvious a choice. You just got saved from elimination, dude. Maybe it's time to start thinking outside of the box. He's still got an interesting voice and a certain pop star swagger that I think works on him, but he's just not making himself memorable. He sang the most obvious disco song there is, and I still have a hard time remembering much about it.

Anoop Desai: Pimp slot? Whatever for? Ok . . . I'll give him that one note. Awesome. You held that for a looooooong time. Still, this is the exact same thing he did last week. It was a little better, but it was still the same thing. I am also still bored by it. He has a good voice, certainly, but not an interesting one. And what is with the David Cook syndrome this season? I think they outlawed razors in the Idol Mansion. Also, he really is a frat boy. That outfit was right out of a meeting of the Harvard Greek Council over cigars and brandy. Nerd.

Judges' Notes

Simon: 'Beat It.' Anoop's worst performance was 'Beat It.' You probably blocked it from your memory. Wish I could.

Randy: When, exactly, did I start hating you? Because I really REALLY think you're pretty fucking useless.

Paula: Where you there in person? All I remember is a giant shimmer with your voice emanating from it like some sort of ethereal being. Lay off the glittery jewelry.

Completely Subjective Favorites Ranking

1. Blond Girl behind Simon
2. Adam
3. Kris
4. Allison
5. Anoop
6. Matt
7. Lil
8. Danny

So . . . Kris/Adam finale, ya?