31 March 2009

Rural's (Lazy) American Idol Snark-cap

Top 9 Perform

I called it. I just knew most of them would sing songs they loved rather than songs they could actually, ya know, SING. Trainwreck.

Anoop Desai: Wait . . . What did he sing? I honestly can't remember. Welcome to Sarver country. Population: Anoop. Stop making painful sex faces, nerd. Stop getting snippy with the judges. Moving on . . .

Megan Joy: Megan, I still like you. But . . . gah. Pull it together, woman. Amy Winehouse, Duffy, Adele, Regina Spektor . . . Ever heard of them? The season's most current voice and she chooses Bob Marley. Good going.

Danny Gokey: At least he didn't mention his dead grandfather. Wasn't horrible . . . I might actually admit it was kind of good if I was acknowledging his existence. Pass. Whatever.

Allison Iraheta: Holy Hobknobs and Hairclips Batman! Who the hell was dressing this girl? Ah . . . but now I'm being as bad as the judges and not mentioning that the first, more low-key half of the song was quite good if significantly better than the second. Still . . . Go Allison!

Scott MacIntyre: Fine. He was decent. It seems like his voice gets better the worse his hair gets. Maybe they should pin that deranged cockatoo sitting on Allison's head on him next week. He'd probably end up the best of the night. Still bored.

Matt Giraud: Oh dear . . . Remember what I was saying about contestants singing songs they liked rather than ones they can actually sing? The prosecution rests.

Lil Rounds: Pro: Not 'My Heart Will Go On." Con: Celine Dion. Pro: She can still belt. Con: I think I just watched a rerun of last week's performance. Pro: Her children want to punch Randy in the face. Con: Her children pussy out on threats . . . She cried. She's safe. Girl's got an ASS on her, too. That dress was painted on.

Adam Lambert: Isn't it funny how sometimes the judges say a contestant really could just sing the phone book? I think Paula or Kara said that about Allison last week. Well, ladies and gentlemen, I think we just saw it in action. 'Play that Funky Music White Boy?' Is it more disturbing that this song is on the top of the charts for downloads off of iTunes or that this performance actually kind of worked? I'm gonna go with option C: He actually fucking twirled in the middle of the song. Giving props to the band . . . VERY SLY, Mr. Lambert. The hair, though. That mullet was having a party in the front and the back.

Kris Allen: OH. MY. GAWD. YOU. GUYS. Like, I don't even really know what to say. I kept waiting for him to mess up because I really didn't think it was possible that he could keep that up the whole time but DAMN! I need that to be on iTunes an hour ago.

Fuck it. I'm embedding this.

Judges' Notes

Paula: Never stop dancing. If you and Megan had a dance-off, the world might explode.
Kara: You are not Simon. Do not fight a large auditorium full of people. You will probably lose. But good job on the counting.

Completely Subjective Favorites Ranking

1. Kris
2. Adam
3. Allison

Aaaaand then it kind of becomes a cluster fuck of mediocrity with Lil and Megan at the top, I guess, and Matt 'proving himself' near the bottom. The rest are just kind of circling around in the middle blackhole of forgetableness. And I seemed to have missplaced Anoop somewhere. Possibly on an oil rig.


Vance said...

Oooh, your post is up already! Okay, sorry, you're being WAY too nice on Scott. It was BAD. okay, yes. not as bad a last week but you can't get worse than an F. But PULEASE. GET HIM OUT OF MY SIGHT AND AWAY FROM MY EARS. PULEASE.

RJ said...

I'd be happy if they put some sunglasses on him . . .

Cinemaniac said...

Scott was all right this week. He actually hit his notes, even if he was still being strangled by God.

Kris pwnage. Usually, the best of the night is more diverse for me, but hell naw this season. I blame the lack of Ricky/Felicia/Jesse/Ju'Not on that though. Bastards.

Adam was awful tonight though. Worst performance of his. And yet somehow, like Kris's Top 8, it was still all right.

Allison was a hot mess. But I floved the outfit <3.

Matt, Idk, I kinda liked it the first time, but it lost a bit for me the second time. I like growling overall though.

Danny..........How was that his best? What the fuck?? He died five times during that song. And so did my soul. I really hate the overpimpage of him.

01) Kris
02) Scott
03) Allison
04) Matt
05) Adam
06) Lil
07) Danny
08) Megan
09) Anoop

No, Anoop. No.