Rural's (REALLY Lazy) American Idol Snark-cap

Top 5 Perform 

Ok, so . . . This is gonna be pretty short tonight. I'm exhausted, and tonight's show didn't exactly inject a lot of inspiration.

Music of the Rat Pack. Jamie Foxx. God, whatever.

Kris Allen: This was kind of aimless, but it still sounded pretty good. Who are we kidding, though: he was wearing a tie, and he still hasn't shaved. Yes, please. 

Allison Iraheta: She looked GORGEOUS. I loved that this was different from her usual performance but still managed to fit her style. Go Allison!

Matt Giraud: What a mess. Stop dicking around with your voice and just sing. Also, please continue to wear tight pants. XOXO

Danny Gokey: Ok, ok. Not terrible. Maybe the best he's been. Still don't like him. No one is going to buy this album. It will be in the discount bin at Target faster than you can blink.

Adam Lambert: Let's just end it already and start running back-to-back episodes of that obnoxious show Fringe. Unless hell freezes over,  Adam is going to win. Based off of tonight, he deserves it. And I think Paula had an orgasm.

Judges' Notes

Simon: You're an idiot. You were wrong about everyone but Adam. Just go ahead and quit if you're so bored. And how exactly does a contestant answer, "do you think you can still win?"

Randy: (Pulls string) A Randy says, "Here's the thing, dawg."

Paula: Your dress was out of control. 

Completely Subjective Favorites Ranking

1. Adam
2. Allison
3. Kris
4. Danny
5. Matt

Rural's (Lazy) American Idol Snark-cap

Top 7 Perform (Again)

Before I say anything, I should just say that the Idolatry interviews always make me feel guilty for all the nasty things I say on here. Scott MacIntyre won me over in 10 minutes during his chat with Michael Slezak on EW.com. Maybe I should just throw in the towel.

Nah.

Wow. Disco night wasn't actually a huge train wreck. Who would've thunk it, eh? I certainly thought I was in for an hour of soul crushing horror. It's always nice to be surprised.

So, can I start off by asking if anyone else couldn't stop looking at that blond girl behind Simon that the camera showed every time he started talking? Girl was having a great old time, and you could tell that she KNEW she was on camera. She was milking that 30 seconds of screen time every time it came around. She kept laughing and trying to talk to the person next to her . . . even though I'm not entirely sure the person next to her had any idea who she was. Pretty sure she was just pretending to be there with someone. Making an ex-boyfriend jealous, maybe? Give this girl an iPod or something.

Also, I'm pretty sure Kristin Bell was there. She did some sort of sexy eyebrow thing into the camera when Ryan walked by. She was sitting next to that puffy, old rocker (?) whose name I still can't remember and his . . . female companion (?).

Lil Rounds: Hmmmm. Well, I mean . . . I dunno. Actually, you know what, this wasn't thoroughly unenjoyable. She still can't hit most of those notes to save her life, but at least she looked like she was enjoying herself for the first time EVER. She was wearing a jumpsuit, though, so I have to deduct a couple of points automatically. Not bad. Still not close to great.

Kris Allen: Loved it. Great vocals and arrangement. Kris Allen is a sex/music god. Kris Allen's arm muscles are the 8th Wonder of the World. Vote Kris Allen in 2012. All I want for Christmas is a naked Kris Allen under the Christmas tree, tied up nice and tight in red ribbon with a bow on top. Et cetera. God bless you, Paula Abdul. I'd go underwear shopping with Kris anytime. Maybe tomorrow he can show us his underwear and prove that he doesn't actually shop at Victoria's Secret. Fan me! Kris Allen for President.

Danny Gokey: GO AWAY! Just do it! Maybe then you can shave. Just a bit of advice to any and all men: stubble doesn't look good on everyone. Some people look like they just woke up from a three month long drug bender, especially when they kind of amble around the stage, swinging their arms randomly, like a confused Alzheimer's patient. The first half of that song was talking to a backing track. Boring vocals. Even more boring stage presence. Why. does. he. keep. getting. praised?

Allison Iraheta: First of all, loved the entrance. That was pimp staging on the part of the producers if I've ever seen it, and I am buying what they're selling. The song? Hmmm . . . Girl can SING, no matter what, but this song is a little stupid. I mean, "HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT STUUUUFFFF?" A song like that isn't going to exactly set the world on fire these days, but she sang it pretty damn well. This girl is ridiculously talented and has the killer voice and stage presence of a veteran rocker. Go Allison!

Adam Lambert: Thanking the musician who helped you arrange the song. Once again, VERY SLY, Mr. Lambert. You're either a genuinely nice person or a very crafty individual. I prefer to say both. I'm just glad he hasn't started sitting on the stage and reading from the phonebook, since he would probably still win the whole thing. We all knew we were getting slow Adam since he was wearing a suit, albeit with a Bond villain-like snake ring on his pinky. I am completely fine with the fact that he is winning, even if I'm still on the Kris Allen train (it's a very sexy train, btw . . . lots of crushed velvet). He has a CRAZY GOOD voice. I think Paula thinks he was singing that straight to her. Paula is going to have sex with him whether he wants to or not. She will not be satisfied until he's backstage with a bag over his head, a sock in his mouth, and his pants around his ankles, with the sounds of frantic clapping and Vicodin-induced babbling the only things clueing him into her identity.

Matt Giraud: Let's play a little game. I say 'disco,' and what is this FIRST thing you think of? 'Staying Alive,' I presume? Much, much too obvious a choice. You just got saved from elimination, dude. Maybe it's time to start thinking outside of the box. He's still got an interesting voice and a certain pop star swagger that I think works on him, but he's just not making himself memorable. He sang the most obvious disco song there is, and I still have a hard time remembering much about it.

Anoop Desai: Pimp slot? Whatever for? Ok . . . I'll give him that one note. Awesome. You held that for a looooooong time. Still, this is the exact same thing he did last week. It was a little better, but it was still the same thing. I am also still bored by it. He has a good voice, certainly, but not an interesting one. And what is with the David Cook syndrome this season? I think they outlawed razors in the Idol Mansion. Also, he really is a frat boy. That outfit was right out of a meeting of the Harvard Greek Council over cigars and brandy. Nerd.

Judges' Notes

Simon: 'Beat It.' Anoop's worst performance was 'Beat It.' You probably blocked it from your memory. Wish I could.

Randy: When, exactly, did I start hating you? Because I really REALLY think you're pretty fucking useless.

Paula: Where you there in person? All I remember is a giant shimmer with your voice emanating from it like some sort of ethereal being. Lay off the glittery jewelry.

Completely Subjective Favorites Ranking

1. Blond Girl behind Simon
2. Adam
3. Kris
4. Allison
5. Anoop
6. Matt
7. Lil
8. Danny

So . . . Kris/Adam finale, ya?

Rural's (Lazy) American Idol Snark-cap

Top 7 Perform

This isn't exactly the kind of episode that inspires a lot of interesting things to say, and this week is already exhausting me. Anyway . . .

Can I just say this? There have been A LOT of songs written for the movies. A LOT. Was this really the best they could come up with? Two gooey, cheddar cheese filled Bryan Adams ballads and Lionel Ritchie? Is this '80s night again?

Also, this new format of only letting two judges speak is fucking stupid . . . AND THEY STILL MANAGED TO GO OVER TIME? What is this? Maybe we should cut out the little chit chat with Ryan Seacrest and Danny Gokey about how cool it is to sing with a fucking harp. No? How about the 5 minutes we spent promoting Inglorious Basterds?

Allison Iraheta: No no no. Do not pick a song from a movie about a massive, worldwide catastrophe. The jokes become too obvious. I still love her voice, but I don't think that there's any way to make this song sound cool, unless I'm mistaken and it's still 1998. She gave it her best though, and I still say she's got stage presence oozing out of her fiery red mane. And, you know what, let's stop dissing her clothes. I know I was guilty of it too. You know who else dresses like a deranged freak? Katy Perry, Pink, Gwen Stefani, and Lady Gaga, to name a few (and that's just the girls).

Anoop Desai: I. Just. Rewatched. Last. Week's. Performance. YAAAAAWN. Boring boring boring. What was he trying to do, up his cool factor by singing a cheesetastic, ironically popular song from a 1980s Kevin Costner vehicle? Hope that goes well for you. He has a good voice, but I seriously just can't be bothered anymore.

Adam Lambert: The bitch is back, ladies and gentlemen (not that he ever left). No, he's been delivering pretty great performances since this season started, but tonight saw the return of Mr. Nail Polish and Eye Liner himself. He jumped all over the stage like a chimp on crack. He sang notes that most dogs probably can't even hear. This is what he does. You either like it or you don't. I am firmly in the 'like it' camp if only because, let's be honest, this show would be a lot less interesting without this lovable theater queen around. I still think he's the safest bet for the finale.

Matt Giraud: Here comes tonight's SECOND Bryan Adams ballad. Honestly, why would you sing this song? Again, this just oozes cheese. What sets him apart from Anoop is that he at least has an interesting voice that makes you pay attention, whether or not you dig his style. Speaking of style . . . those jeans fit that boy like a glove. OOOOF! Please stick around if only for some more ogling.

Danny Gokey: "And they whirled and they twirled and they tangoed/Singin' and jinglin' the jango/Floatin' like the heavens above/It looks like muskrat love" . . . 'Nuff said. Without his glasses, he even squints like a muskrat. What is this movie, anyway? A Brooke Shields vehicle? Time is not always kind, is it folks?

Kris Allen: I now present a dramatic reenactment of my friend and I's reaction the SECOND Kris started singing this song in the clip with Quentin Tarantino: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH! I saw Swell Season in concert a year ago, and "Falling Slowly" is just a beautiful song. I'm happy to say Kris did not disappoint. Thank god we got him out of that black hole of talent they call a small disk-sized performance space from last week. Stella's got her groove back, and it's just as sexy and soulful as ever.

Lil Rounds: What the hell was this? Seriously . . . Can anyone tell me? This girl cannot pick a song to save her life (or sing it ). If she was trying to distance herself from the drag queen image after last week's Tina Turner fiasco, I don't think Bette FUCKING Midler was the way to go. Stop wearing skin tight outfits.

Judges' Notes

Quentin Tarantino: You have the hair of a fucking SS Guard right now. Is this purely for publicity for the movie or what?

Randy: Fuck off. If Kris Allen was pitchy THE ENTIRE TIME, then I'd hate to hear what you think of Lil's pitch as it continually plummets of Mount Everest and hits a swamp full of malaria ridden mosquitoes.

Kara: I don't know if an Academy Award winning song can necessarily be called obscure but . . . the American public is often quite ridiculous, so I'll give you a pass on this one.

Paula: You're going to get a lot of shit for basically reading a fortune cookie instead of critiquing Lil, but, you know what, she obviously isn't going to listen anyway. Throw crayons at her next time and tell her the world is filling her life with rainbows for all I care.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY CAN WE GET A DIRECTOR ON THIS SHOW WHO KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING? I've got a great idea! Let's cut out judge critiques, leave in a bunch of filler, and still manage to rush through the last two singers and somehow go over an hour time limit.

Completely Subjective Favorites Ranking

1. Kris
2. Adam
3. Allison
4. Matt
5. Anoop
6. Danny
7. Lil

Anyone else looking forward to the judges and producers pretending that they still liked Jennifer Hudson when she was voted off when she comes back to perform on the results show as an Oscar and Grammy winner? I sure am.

Things I'm Loving This Week

From Crackle: Angel of Death Ep 1 "Edge" starring Zoe Bell

"Angel of Death," the completely over-the-top pseudo comic book, 10-part action web series starring stunt woman turned Tarantino icon, Zoe Bell. I mean, how can you not love a series in which a female assassin gets stabbed in the head and survives, Lucy Lawless plays a southern belle and ex-prostitute with a fondness for the five finger discount, and young upstart in the world of organized crime kills people with an old-fashioned razor? Episode 1 is embedded above.

Kris Allen, Allison Iraheta, and Adam Lambert. Make this the final 3, America . . . PLEASE!

Hanna Schygulla in The Marriage of Maria Braun. No one oozes sex appeal and carefully constructed pluck quite like she does in Fassbinder's classic look at German history in the years after World War 2. Her performance, like the movie as a whole (which I saw for the first time this week), is funny, sexy, courageous, captivating, and even (at times) unsettling. Compare this to her heartbreaking and withdrawn performance in last year's The Edge of Heaven to see what a talent she is and has always been.

Billy Bob Thornton is a Jackass

Skip to the about 6 minute mark.

Rural's (Lazy) American Idol Snark-cap

Top 8 Perform

Hot damn! Welcome to the Thunder Dome, people. This competition just heated up . . .

Hahaha. I am, of course, only kidding. This week's episode was as boring as last week's was completely derailed. At least last week we had more than one performance to really be excited about. Seriously, though, I don't have a lot to say about tonight. I was not really feeling it. I think there's a reason that 90% of '80s music exists only to be lampooned by Vh1.

And . . . OH MY FUCKING GAWD? WHO THE FUCK IS THAT BALD GUY? Is that the gypsy Gokey promised his soul in exchange for an unfathomably long run on this show?

Danny Gokey: Why am I trapped on this elevator, and why is it ALWAYS playing 'Muskrat Love?' Seriously, this shit isn't even good cheese. It comes in a resealable bag, and they sell it in bulk at the Thrift-O-Mart.

Kris Allen: Well, fuck. I don't . . . I don't really know . . . It was . . . Actually, I kind of liked it, but I think that has more to do with the fact that I really just like the sound of his voice. That song was just, sigh . . . I would not have sung that, let's just say. That's a Gokey song if I've ever heard one. This was just forgettable, honestly. I think those heinous hipster girls in that mosh pit suck the mojo out of these singers. First Matt, now Kris. I am TERRIFIED that he is going home . . . before Danny, Lil, Anoop, and Scott. That is awful. I blame that bald gypsy. Damn you, Gokey!

Lil Rounds: Welcome to the Hilton Ballroom, ladies and gentlemen. Performing tonight is the fourth best Tina Turner impersonator in the Midwestern United States. Enjoy your shrimp cocktails and don't forget to tip your cocktail waitresses. She'll do something different next week? My ass, she will. She cried. She's safe. Whatever. At least her FUCKING KIDS weren't there again. Oh . . . and I don't think I need to make any terribly un-PC comments about the fact that her mother named her 'Lil,' do I?

Anoop Desai: Well, well, well. SOMEBODY understands the concept of Internet backlash, I see. Guess you decided it might be time to not come off like a complete dick, huh? Mission accomplished, I suppose. Pretty good vocals this week, actually. That sweater was louder than Lil Rounds, but he actually managed to pull together a solid night. Nice to see you stopped trying to be an R & B sex god, nerd.

Scott MacIntyre: "Let's take a glimpse into Scott's childhood." -Ryan Seacrest. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I'm sorry. I know I'm going to hell. You guys, this was just heinous. It's like I said, his songs get better the worse his hair gets. Unfortunately for him, his hair was kind of under control this week, and this was possibly his most ludicrous yet. His eye makeup was clumping, for goddsake! What was he playing, like, 2 chords on that electric guitar? There was absolutely no way he wasn't going to be the new VTFW pick.

Allison Iraheta: I have absolutely no idea what this song was. I know . . . I'm a child. Whatever. Never heard it in my life. But I liked Allison's take on it. I kind of wish she'd go back to up tempo Allison sometime in the near future, but I'm still kind of digging this low key style, too. Girl has stage presence for DAYS! Go Allison!

Matt Giraud: Take off that hat, please. Eaaaaasily one of the best . . . Not that that's saying a whole lot considering tonight's frost-bitten harvest of beige. I still find him kind of uninteresting, but his clip package was amusing, I suppose. Good to see the vocals are back now that he's out of that pit of voice sucking fanwhores in that black hole of talent they call a mosh pit.

Adam Lambert: Let's just stop bull shitting, you guys. Adam Lambert is going to win this season. Like, it's really not up for debate. As far as I can tell, he has never NOT been one of the last people to perform in a given night, and this was his second time in the pimp slot. Like, it's pretty clear they want him to win, which I am FINE with if it means we can stop hearing about Danny Gokey. Plus, you can't say he didn't have a great night. Yes, that was Tears for Fears by way of Gary Jules, but it's certainly not his furthest departure from a song this season. It would have been fantastic if he didn't insist on screaming that one note in the middle, but, sigh . . . Whatever. He's going to do that every week, regardless. Pretty excellent performance, though, I've got to say.

Judges' Notes

Randy: You were totally late for Adam, weren't you? Or did you just feel like running head first into Ryan for shits and giggles.

All Four of You: I know this isn't completely your fault, but JESUS H. CHRIST! Why can we not get the timing on this show down? Did you really just give Adam Lambert a 3 second critique?

Completely Subjective Favorites Ranking

1. Adam
And, ummm . . .
2. Allison
3. Matt
4. Kris (Sigh . . . What can I do?)
5. Anoop
Sure. Why the hell not?
6. Danny
7. Lil
8. Scott

Save the Kris. Save the world!

Cock Tease: The Movie (2009)

Hi. I'm Paul Walker's abs. You might remember me from a movie that delivered on its promises.

It's really very simple, makers of Fast and Furious.

You take Paul Walker, he of the piercing blue eyes and mouth watering body. You add Vin Diesel, he whose imposing largeness and gravely voice makes you want him to like you just so he won't kill you dead. You have fast cars that, ya know, go fast and run into things. I wouldn't have thought it was brain surgery BUT . . .

Here's a side-by-side comparison of what I want from a movie called Fast and Furious and what the makers of THIS movie think I want.

Me: Loud, stupid car chases down a strip of road in Korea-town or something, briefly punctuated by character moments that give all the crashing, speeding sexiness some kind of a point.
Them: Boring, stupid scenes full of characters talking about FBI protocol and being introspective, briefly punctuated by car chases in underground tunnels so that they can put cars on the poster.

Me: Paul Walker naked or half-naked. Frequently.
Them: Paul Walker in baggy T-shirts. Exclusively.

Me: Over-the-top camp. Winking at the audience because, yes, we know this is a movie about car chases and Paul Walker's ability to take his shirt off.
Them: Gooey earnestness. PLEASE TAKE US SERIOUSLY! THIS ISN'T JUST A MOVIE ABOUT THINGS THAT EXPLODE! WE HAVE SOOOO MUCH TO SAY ABOUT THESE CHARACTERS AND THEIR INNER TURMOIL! LET'S GO TALK ABOUT OURSELVES OVER COFFEE AT A FUCKING ROADSIDE DINER!

Me: Sex scenes. Gratuitous swearing. Tank tops, low rise jeans, and booty shorts. Various, R rated hijinks.
Them: Bland, Pg-13 rated cock teasing. No sex. Paul Walker feeling up Jordana Brewster while she's sitting on a kitchen counter in A FUCKING CARDIGAN!

Needless to say, I did not have nearly enough mind numbing fun in this movie, because this movie didn't want me too. This movie wanted me to feel for these characters and their emotions and their self-doubt. For every scene of Vin Diesel driving underneath a flaming oil tanker flipping in the air or blowing up his car with a cigarette lighter, there were endless scenes of Vin Diesel brooding and Paul Walker starring in a play school dress up episode of Law and Order.

Well, I've got news for you. The dialog in this script was written by a group of first year screenwriting students who haven't talked to a real human being in quite some time. I cannot emotionally connect to characters who barely manage to stutter words with two syllables.

I don't really have anything to say about the plot except to wonder when Vin Diesel's character began having psychic visions. Maybe I missed something, but he pegged the guy who he was looking to lay the smack down on because . . . he looked like the shadowy figure he envisioned at the scene of the crime?

I have exactly the same problem with this movie as I did with Quantum of Solace. This movie was too embarrassed to just be what it is: a big, dumb movie full of explosions. Just do that. It's what you're there to do.

So, makers of this movie, when you make a sequel (and they will, if the number of people who came to the showing I went to tonight are any indication) just have fun with it. You don't need to try to win people over. We're there because we know what we're getting. Your movie is called Fast and Furious. Just get Jordana Brewster and Paul Walker naked, put them in a car, and let them drive down a steep road at 120 miles per hour.