Rural's (Lazy) American Idol Snark-cap

Top 10 Perform

Can we get the pacing down, producers? You've only had 8 seasons to figure it out, so why are they always rushing through the last 3 performers?

Matt Giraud: He's getting better, actually. He didn't try to fiddle around with the melody too much this time, thank god. His voice is still a little whiny to me, though.

Kris Allen: Sex. Big brown eyes. Skinny tie. The voice. Lots of sex.

Scott MacIntyre: Yawn. So over it. Ugh . . . don't even feel like wasting time on him. Sitting at the piano. Great. Original. What was he wearing, anyway? Put sunglasses on him, please.

Megan Joy: I agree that her vocals tend to be all over the place, but let's be honest. Her sound is pretty current (Adele, Amy Winehouse, Duffy), and she'd probably be the only winner whose album I'd consider buying. So, Megan's growing on me. I don't think this was nearly as bad as the judges made it out to be.

Anoop Desai: Simon said, "I think you looked like you were half asleep throughout the song . . ." That makes two of us. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. You're very close to Sarver-ing yourself out my consciousness. Speaking of . . .

Michael Sarver: What's a Michael Sarver? (Note: I wrote this before I even heard him perform, and I saw no reason to change it afterward).

Lil Rounds: I love this girl's personality, but come on. Just STFU. "I was so affected by how far you guys had come . . . " Whatever. Oh, the performance? She didn't sing it. She SANG it. Is that good or bad? I dunno. That's really a matter of taste. At least they figured out how to dress her this week so her hips didn't look 12-feet wide. She's definitely got the pipes.

Adam Lambert: Fat Elvis crossed with Chris Isaak and tons of hair gel. Pretty good vocals, though. Much better than Johnny Cash by way of John Wayne Gacy.

Danny Gokey: I'm sure if I cared I might say it was corny as hell but a little bit fun, too. No thanks.

Allison Iraheta: If you don't have something mean to say, don't say anything at all. Go Allison!

Judges' Notes

Randy: Just say no to horizontal stripes, dawg.
Kara: One-of-the-best-performances-of-the-night. Not 6 words.

Oh, and a note to Ryan and the judges, all of this banter is UNBEARABLE. Not funny. Why are we talking about coloring books and drawing mustaches. Please stop.

Completely Subjective Favorites Ranking

1. Kris
2. Allison
3. Megan
4. Adam
5. Matt
6. Lil
7. Anoop
8. Scott
9. Danny

(Hmmm . . . I don't think I'm forgetting anyone )