The Golden Globe Award Show Awards

The Goods and The Bads of the Golden Globe Awards

Best Winner: Tina Fey for her up 'til now under appreciated comedic work on 30 Rock.

Best Surprise: Julian Schnabel beating out the seemingly invincible Coens for his masterful direction on The Diving Bell and the Butterfly.

Best DUH Winner: Julie Christie. No explanation required.

Best Winner in Something I've Never Seen: Samantha Morton for Longford. I mean, come on. It's Samantha Morton. I fully support each and every award she receives. It happens so infrequently.

'The Sopranos' Award AKA If I Had Cable, I Should Probably be Watching This Show: Mad Men.

Biggest Missed Opportunities:

-Speeches by Tina Fey, Julian Schnabel, Queen Latifah, and Julie Christie

-Some poor schmuck mispronouncing Saoirse Ronan or Marion Cotillard's name

-An acceptance speech from Johnny Depp on a train in the Himalayas

-Seeing whatever discount bin costumes the Burtons show up in

-Ellen Page in an ill-fitting black dress and Converse sneaker

-Keira Knightley in a green dress

-James McAvoy in a tux

-Diablo Cody in something crazy

-Queen Latifahs well supported globes

-John Hamm becoming a familiar face to anyone without AMC

-Tons of close ups on Denzel Washington and Russel Crowe scowling

-And most importantly . . . drunk celebrities.

Biggest DUH Winner Dave Karger Thought was a Surprise: Cate Blanchett for I'm Not There. Ummmm, Dave . . . have you been paying attention to the Globes at all? If there's one thing they love, it's movie stars.

Movie that Will Never Win even if Dave Karger Refuses to Shut Up About it: Michael Clayton. The record is broken Dave. Play a new song.


AND SWEEPING IN THE REST OF THE CATEGORIES IS . . .



Worst Excuse for a Telecast: Access Hollywood

Worst Featured Male Host: Billy 'I'm related to the President' Bush

Worst Featured Female Host: Nancy 'I dress age inappropriate' O'Dell

Worst Supporting Male Host: Dave 'Michael Clayton' Karger

Worst Supporting Female Host: Shaun 'Token' Robinson

The Fire Your Barber Now Award: Billy Bush for his pseudo mullet

Best Moment of Clarity: Nancy O'Dell and Billy Bush for their blank expressions when Julian Schnabel won. Clearly, they have no idea who he is.

Worst Time Management: Access Hollywood for filling up too much time with banter and silly conjecture. Sorry Coens, Jim Broadbent, Eddie Vedder, Dario Marianelli, and the people behind Longford and The Diving Bell and the Butterfly! There simply wasn't time for you.

NBC . . . I have one thing to ask:


We definitely need writers.